How to Write a Letter of Condolence

Emotional trauma happens to all of us; perhaps the most traumatic being the death of a loved one. When this happens, we often feel sympathy for the person or persons left behind. If you want to express your sympathy to the person, a note of condolence is appropriate. Here’s how.

1. Hand write the note on notepaper. Use personalized note paper if you have it. You may use a commercially printed card if you include a handwritten note in it.
2. Address the person by their first name unless it’s someone like your boss or teacher.
3. The first sentence should say something like “I’m sorry to learn about the loss of your husband.” You can use “hear” instead of “learn.” Phrases like “so sorry,”  “was saddened,” are okay, too. The main thing is to say you’re sad and to mention the reason for the sadness.
4. Say something nice about the deceased. “He was such an inspiration to me,” “He had a wonderful sense of humor,” Everyone at work liked him.”
5. Do not say anything about a loss of your own! It’s tempting to put yourself in the same camp as the mourner, but don’t. Nothing about you.
6. Do not offer anything about making the best of it. Stuff like “It happens to all of us,” “Now you don’t have to take care of him any more,” “He’s in a better place now,” or any advice about how to get over the sadness.
7. Make a non-specific offer to help. “If you think of anything I can do to help, let me know.” If you say something specific, such as “Let’s do lunch next week,” or “I’m bringing over a casserole,” do not fail to follow up on it. They will remember your offer.
8. Sign it “Love,” and your name if they’re a close friend; otherwise, just sign your name.

Sometimes you will be with the person, such as at a visitation, or you stopped by to drop off that casserole. If the person wants to talk, shut up and listen. Let them talk it out. Do not compare misfortunes, do not offer advice! They’ll ask if they want any advice, and they don’t want to hear how someone else had it worse.

Wishing you a healthy and happy holiday season,

Rogers

(Okay, that salutation was my offbeat sense of humor. Don’t use it in a sympathy card.)