Paragraph with Some Goofs

Here’s a paragraph with enough less-than-good writing in it that it’s worth pointing out the mistakes. It’s from Motherboard, a pretty good source of interesting articles. The title is Fish are having a Real Hard Time in Space

To better understand these biological effects of “microgravitational stress,” there are two varieties of cell that need to be observed: osteoclasts and osteoblasts. The prior are responsible for breaking down bone tissue, a key role in repairing and maintaining bones, while the latter secrete the matrix used in bone formation.

First, let’s look at the title. You don’t need “Real.” Read the title without “Real.” It’s more concise, has a little more punch. The writer probably wants to project an informal tone, which is okay, but the best expository writing doesn’t call attention to itself; you just think about the content.  Next item, and maybe this is a nitpick, but the title should say “These Fish…” since the article is about some specific individual fish, not fish in general. Slightly more accurate, I say.

The first sentence in the paragraph has “there is.” Try to avoid “there is” and “there” with any other form of “to be.” This construction is called a false subject. Writing without false subjects is harder, but think of something else to say. You’ll produce a better sentence. For example you could replace the false subject with “…you need to know about…” or better, take out both the false subject and the relative conjunction so you have “…two varieties of cell need to be observed:.”

Move on to the next sentence. “Prior” is a hobby horse of mine. It means “to have priority, to be first in rank.” Use something like “first” instead, although in this sentence the correct word is “former” because later on he uses “latter,” which is correct, by the way. “Latter” means “the second of two.” By the way, why not repeat the word as the subject? That gives the reader a second exposure to this unfamiliar word, increasing learning. You would have “Osteoclasts are responsible for…”

Finally, in the last line of the paragraph you see the word “while.” “While means “at the same time as.” The simplest solution to this bit of excessive informality is to make two sentences. Put a period after “bones” and capitalize “the” or write “Osteoblasts secrete…”

Okay, enough curmudgeonliness for now. The article is still interesting and informative. Give it a read.